The Anti-Small Talk Guide to Human Connection (with Eric Berne in Mind)
Are you the type of person who finds small talk a bit grating on the nerves?
Do you ever wonder why you sometimes leave conversations feeling unheard, unseen, or even exhausted?
Eric Berne, the psychiatrist behind Transactional Analysis, suggested that many conversations revolve around "pastimes" and "social games," which often prevent genuine intimacy.
First, a quick bio of Eric Berne below 👇🏾
Eric Berne (1910–1970) was a psychologist who created Transactional Analysis, a way to understand the hidden patterns in our conversations. In his classic book Games People Play, he revealed how much of what we say is part of unconscious “games” that keep real intimacy at bay. His work invites us to step out of those scripts and choose conversations that are honest, present, and truly connecting.
Eric Berne and Games People Play: Understanding Transactional Analysis and the Hidden Patterns in Communication
In his book *Games People Play*, Berne highlights that much of the exchange we have in conversations resembles transactions where we merely recognize each other's presence, or what he called "strokes."
For example, saying "Hey, how are you?" often leads to formulaic responses that don't foster real connection.
You give a piece of information, and the others return a piece of information of the same quantity and value.
It’s a wash-rinse-and-repeat cycle day after day, yet people wonder why some individuals cannot withstand this conversational pattern for an extended period.
If you are like me, energized by conversations that leave you feeling more connected, in touch, and known, then you have come to the right place.
🧐 Which Type of Conversationalist is this blog best suited for? 🧐
This blog is for individuals who have reached a stage in their personal development where they can discern how much of themselves to share in each conversation and environment.
You already know how to read the room, and you want to enrich the conversations you may have with people in your life you deem worthy.
Let's explore ways to move beyond small talk and into deeper, richer personal territory.
“For certain fortunate people there is something which transcends all classifications of behaviour, and that is awareness; something which rises above the programming of the past, and that is spontaneity; and something that is more rewarding than games, and that is intimacy.”
- Eric Berne
Authentic Alternatives to Small Talk That Build Real Connection
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Many people use social media references, such as “I saw you posted…” to serve as an inviting questions that prompt a deeper response. However, I encourage you to use an inviting question that is unique to yourself and the person you're conversing with.
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This tip supports creating intimacy in small doses that reflect a mutual understanding of the shared moment.
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I’ve used the ritual of “Are the vents open?” as a phrase that indicates that I need more of a listening ear instead of conversing for emotional management or solution seeking.
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This primes us as communicators to apply active listening when words are being spoken because those words are intentional and not an escape from uncomfortbale silences.
The Shift From Habitual Talk to Honest, Present Communication
The next time you feel that ache of disconnection mid-conversation, pause. Ask yourself: Is this a stroke or a moment of truth?
Am I just playing along, or am I present?
Let this blog be your invitation to relate differently.
What are some rituals you have used in conversations that lead to you feeling more connected, seen, and heard with your community?
I would love to hear in the comments, and make sure to pin this post for later for further reference.
-Happy Relating!
-dd