Why Your Freedom Triggers People Who Cling to Control
What is one relational dynamic that can be incredibly destructive within a relationship, often operating without conscious awareness and reflection?
The need for control.
The control of one's
image,
others' reactions,
one's environment.
This blog is not designed to speak about the control dynamics at play within overt physical, mental, emotional, and financial abuse.
Today, I want to explore the control dynamics that can inadvertently push someone away from the opportunity to be truly seen, not just as a role to fulfill in someone's life, but as a complete, relational being.
A being with both vulnerability and vision,
Inspiration and inconvenience,
Delight and Disgust.
The Invisible Performance: Why Control-Based People Can't Witness Your Whole Self
Ebbing and flowing in and out of perceived control is something I am very familiar with.
When the world goes quiet and the sky grows dark, I ponder deeply what the perception of control, or lack thereof, can teach me about myself and others.
I know my creator is the one in charge, so I approach this fluctuation with humility.
However, when I step out into the world and bring that humility,
And express my full range of emotions, specifically the negative ones, with others, it's almost like I am somehow offending them.
It is not accepted as something that is because I am.
It's as if my pain is simply a problem in my perception.
Which begs the question: Am I only acceptable to others when I am digestible?
Why is it that when I am showing something that causes a sense of tension and discomfort in others, it is dismissed and invalidated?
I wondered if I had become almost a circus performer, with the unspoken expectation of upholding emotional safety for others at the expense of my own needs.
I was inadvertently expected to control how others viewed themselves in my presence, which leaves no space for me to be entirely free within myself.
Why Control Feels Safer Than Freedom (For Some People)
I think the answer to this lies in the need to defend their old story of ego rather than face the fear of perceiving themselves or their environment as "wrong."
These people don't trust change.
The freedom to risk not knowing the answers, not understanding, and learning something new is too fearful for people who seek control at all costs.
Essentially, control feels safer because it masks the questions of,
"What if I'm not lovable without performance?
What if I lose people if I'm vulnerable?
What if it is revealed that I am not as “good” a person as I thought?
What if I feel inferior and don’t know how to cope?
What if I try something new and fail?
So, when someone has allowed themselves to take a risk, even if that risk is just speaking up, you often find that others double down on the control tactics stated below.
What to Do When Your Freedom Triggers Someone You Love
Because I have spent years cultivating inner freedom and the feeling of opportunity that comes with it, I understand that I may have to lose a few people in the process.
I will protect the frequency associated with embodying the possibility of greatness, expansion, and adventure happening in my life and others at all costs.
So, I chuck up the deuces.
I let people get off at their stop.
But it was almost as if they went POOF! And disappeared,
When I no longer fit the role they assigned for me by demonstrating my emotional accountability and freedom, rather than being defined by what they perceive as "right and acceptable" for my role.
Because I am worth so much more than someone's dysfunctional relational control tactic.
Other acts of courageous freedom include:
Detach with love — you're not here to shrink to be understood.
Also, remember that your worth is not measured by someone else's understanding. Keep going!
Set boundaries without explaining your whole soul.
Let 'em freak out if they want. Your peace is not debatable.
Protect your creative energy.
This is what I had to learn the hard way. People who genuinely care about you will want to see you shine even if it isn't their lane.
You're Not Too Much — You're Just No Longer Contained, Conditionally Valued, and Subtly Silenced
As I come to the end of this blog, I have to again thank everyone who has put their need for control aside and accepted me in my entirety, not just :
What I could do for you
How I could make you feel
What you can compare yourself to against me
What insights do I have that can further you along in your life
What comfort can I provide when you need a break from the harsh, critical world
What attention can I provide because I make you feel seen like no one else
What listening ear can I provide when no one else wants to do the emotional labor involved with hearing you speak
The consistent presence I provide when others drop you for a "better" option
And I hate to say the list goes on, but I will stop in there.
You have no idea how much I love and appreciate you, as I have been searching for a relationship like the one I have with you since I was a little girl.
You understand that I only write free content online.
However, if you would like to interact with me in person, you need to treat me correctly, release the control of your perception, and that is not something you owe me at all.
It is because you choose to. And I thank you for choosing me in that way from the bottom of my heart.
A lack of freedom was always something I wrestled against in my formative years, and this blog's fundamental framework is about finding the inner freedom to self-actualize.
If you're ready to explore more of my writing on the topic of emotional freedom, please check out the following posts:
🔓 3 Fem-Powering Reminders for Unleashing Your Inner Strength
🔓 Get Your Shi[f]t Together: Potent and Simple Techniques to Reprogram the Subconscious Mind
And don't forget to pin for later to share with a larger community of people, who will no longer be confused about what this dynamic is if it is at play in their lives.
Happy Expanding!
-dd