3 Ways to Stop People Pleasing to Live More Authentically
People-pleasing is a behavior that can begin as a habit and transform into an unconscious pattern of reasoning and responding.
In my experience with this pattern, my ability to "reason" my way through situations made me proud.
I thought, "Look at how perceptive and empathetic I am to others' needs. I'm a good person!".
What causes People-Pleasing?
How could this possibly cause a problem? The issue arises when we repeatedly allow ourselves to consider others before we consider ourselves. The beautiful, compassionate quality that all "people-pleasers" have is a gift that should be protected. We can begin to preserve this gift and discern when the appropriate time is to use that gift by allowing ourselves the opportunity to hear our true selves speak, and then training ourselves to follow through on what we hear.
How To Stop Pleasing Others Before Yourself
Lighten Up On Self-judgment
It can be tempting to automatically say Yes to something because who would you be if you said No? In our sympathetic minds, we want to manipulate our response so that we do not become whatever we feel is at stake by saying No. For example, we may think,"'If I don't say yes, that means I'm selfish!" Recognizing that we hold ourselves to these standards is the key to releasing them. No one can make us feel something that we do not already think of ourselves. We must ask ourselves the question of if we find any truth to the judgment that we are placing on ourselves, and then we must make a choice. You could either
a) take the self-judgment as truth and submit
or
b) respond in a way that reflects your true desires free of any judgment and excuses for yourself and anyone else.
Be "Matter- Of -Fact" About Who You Are
Being vocal about our needs and wants leaves the ambiguity out of our interactions. People know exactly where they stand with you. However, it can be a challenge to paint this solid picture for others when you are not sure what you truly stand for. I have often been afraid to stand by my opinions because I didn't even know if those opinions were my own, or opinions of others projected on to me that I began to accept as truth. When we get in touch with what we stand for, we can start to let that shine through our actions and our words. Referencing a list of core values and taking a moment to list out those core values in a journal, to pull for future reference.
Mind Your Business
A guided meditation I frequently use states the following phrase, "I release the need to have an opinion about others. Unless it is uplifting, I let it go".
I found this so compelling because people-pleasing at its core stems from the need to manipulate the opinions of yourself and others. Think of how much mental space becomes available up when we accept that we are not responsible for anyone else’s opinions. There is much more room to listen to our true selves speak and authentically participate in experiences with others that we co-create. This quote can also be applied to the opinions we have on our own lives. By dropping the need to have an opinion about what we feel about our feelings and/or feelings, those feelings have the space to be heard, accepted, and transmuted into authentic forms of expression.
Maybe the profound work here for people-pleasers is that instead of trying to manipulate outcomes, we find acceptance in the very thing that we are trying to manage, ourselves!
If we are trying to control the level that we are appreciated, valued, and accepted ( even to ourselves), do we have control, or are we selling ourselves out to something outside our truth?
Have you overcome people-pleasing in your life? What mental strategies helped you?
Let me know in the comments below!
With Love,
dd